As soon as my Congressman receives this letter I just sent him…
Dear Congressman Richard Neal:
Please send me $1,000,000 in free government money that your organization is handing out to various financial and industrial companies like AIG, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, General Motors, Chrysler, and Ford. Please note there are vast differences between my money request and some of the banks and industries that are going to receive billions in handouts.
1. I said “Please.â€
2. I’m only asking for $1,000,000; a drop-in-the-bucket, comparably.
3. Unlike the before-mentioned companies, I’m doing okay financially. This is an opportunity for the United States government to prove that they don’t just reward companies that are inept, incapable, or corrupt; by giving me a million dollars, the government can prove they also reward people who know how to keep their balance sheets in order in good times and bad.
4. Unlike the current proposals put forth by some of the companies begging for money, giving me a giant handout will ensure my success, as opposed to temporarily delaying inevitable failure.
I’m going to outline why my proposal is not only going to help the American people, but is also the single-best financial proposal in front of Congress at the present time.
By giving me a million dollars, the government will receive approximately $330,000 in tax revenue right from the get-go. Bam! Money right back in the coffers. With the remaining money, I plan to pay off my mortgage. Pow! Easing the balance sheet and providing some much-needed cash to the American mortgage company that owns most of my house.
Think of the poor Ferrari dealer in my area who is struggling with lagging sales. I’ll buy my Ferrari with cash. Zing! The economy is helped because not only does the Ferrari dealer make a few dollars, but when my neighbors and friends see me parading around in that hot ride, they’ll say, “Hey, that guy is doing okay. Maybe this economy isn’t so bad.†As others try and “Keep up with the Belangers,†they’ll be forced to spend more money on retail items.
Also, I promise to eat dinner out at least four nights per week, further aiding the local economy, providing jobs to restaurant and bar staff, and keeping the promise of America alive to dozens in my region.
In troubled times, the American people need to hold on to their dreams. I could be that dream they strive for. It’s an awesome responsibility, but I’m ready to help my fellow Americans with this selfless act of patriotism and capitalism (at least capitalism as the current Congress defines it). Please make my check out to: Jeff “Mad Dog†Belanger.
God Bless America.
-Jeff Belanger
Massachusetts