Most people would agree that humans are the top of the food chain here on Earth. Though there can be much debate as to where all the other animals, critters, and creatures who share our planet sit in terms of order, there can be no argument as to who holds the bottom rung: adolescent and teenage boys.
I know this for a fact because I have the perspective of having been one of these bottom-dwellers, and the experience of evolving up a couple of rungs on the ladder since then.
In speaking with other men around my age I’ve learned that some of the stupid things I did as a kid, those guys also did even though we grew up in different parts of the country. For example, any male I’ve ever met who lived in the vicinity of an electric fence has at one time or another touched said fence on a dare. I can’t explain what force in the universe compels boys to touch the exposed metal wire when we know we’re going to receive a somewhat painful jolt of electricity (and yes, Smartypants, I knew it was on because I watched two other guys grab the fence just before I did), but we do it. We have to. We have no choice. But in all my laughter-filled discussions about male adolescent stupidity, I have found only a select few men who knew the painful joys of a game called Red Butt.
I did a quick Google search and saw that there are variations on the rules of Red Butt, and given that there’s no formal governing body that oversees the… uhh… sport, I’ll give the rules as we played them in Newtown, Connecticut back in the mid-1980s.
Equipment:
1 large brick wall.
1 tennis ball
1 group of adolescent/teenage boys
Tighty-whitey underwear (wearing boxer shorts could have devastating consequences)
2 much free time
First, someone has to be “it.†A bummer, I know, but dems the rules. We would line up in a straight line facing the wall about 50 feet away. On “go,†we all sprinted toward the wall. The last to touch, was it. The “it†person then bent over directly in front of the brick wall with his butt facing the line of boys. The biggest/meanest kid would then take the tennis ball and everyone would line up at the 50-foot mark. The objective was to nail the bent-over kid in the ass with the tennis ball. If the thrower was successful in connecting with the buttocks of the “it†boy, there was no need for anyone to run. The “it†boy stayed it, and the ball was handed back to the same thrower to try again. If, however, the thrower missed the butt, it’s a free ball. If the bent-over kid gets to the free ball first, then the thrower is now “it†and has to bend over. If a different kid scrambles to the loose ball first, then the “it†boy remains it, and the kid who picked up the ball gets to throw next.
This continues until someone runs home crying that he’s been “it†for too long and won’t be able to sit for a week, or until recess is over. Having been “it†more than once, I can promise that this game is aptly named.
I recognize that Red Butt gives an awful lot of ammunition to people who support the creationism theory. I mean, if Darwin is correct, how the hell did so many men survive playing Red Butt (and those hits that connected just below the buttocks and between the legs) and then eventually procreate? The world may never know.
Anyone up for a game? I have a tennis ball.
This game is somilar to the one my brother and his friends played that I sat and lkauged at them till I was sick! It is called don’t piss on the electric fence…. we had electric fancing for the horses and my brother and his friends would all pee towards the fence trying NOT to hit it but see who came the closest. It never failed that one of the idiots would ultimately hit the fence……
P S– this was a CT game….